How to get support from your partner without building resentment
The end of the workday finally arrives. Whew! You pick up your children from daycare and head home. You walk through the door of your home and see red. WTH?
Your partner, who works from home, has not done any of the things you asked before leaving that morning. Can’t they see the piles of neatly folded laundry that need to be put away? The magazines are still all over the couch, and the dining room table still has the morning’s breakfast dishes.
Your mind is completely blown (and not in a good way) by how your partner does not just see these things and fix them.
You can feel yourself ramping up emotionally; you’re ready to let them get the full firehose of your anger. But, somehow, you stop yourself before going there.
You’ve had this conversation before. Too many times, in fact. How can it be different this time?
The harmful resentment
When you let your anger brew instead of addressing the issues, it just mounts. I know you are aware of this, but it bears mentioning.
The harm comes when you unleash everything at once (you know when you get to that really fed-up point?). Words spewed that you can’t take back, hurt inflicted that further damages your relationship.
Jane Greer, marriage and family therapist and author of What About Me? Stop Selfishness from Ruining Your Relationship says it is perfectly normal to have those “I hate you!” moments with your partner. You want the “I love you” moments to hold their weight on the other end of the balance.
If your resentment is at the near explosion level, you may want to try these two tips.
Pay close attention to your partner’s behavior. Determine what you find most offensive. Do you feel they do not value you and what you bring to the family? Do they not consider that your outside-of-the-home responsibilities are as taxing as theirs? Reflecting this way will keep you focused on those behaviors when you come to the point of discussing the challenges and not on all of your partner’s past offenses.
Take stock of what your partner DOES. Okay, so maybe they are not great with the after-dinner dishes, but they can do the quickest, meanest slinging of a Dyson that you’ve ever seen. Nightly bath and bed routine? It’s all them. Name all of the things in a mental list. Acknowledging what they do doesn’t mean that you should just let the rest slide. Seeing the positive behaviors will help (hopefully) to recognize that your partner is “in this” with you.
Having “the talk” Next steps
The only way things will get better is to “dive into the deep end of the pool.” You know it won't be easy and that it is so necessary. Yet, the future health of your relationship depends on it.
Here are some helpful things to think about before, during, and after having “the talk.”
How would you like for your partner to support you? Be specific.
Get really clear. It will help both you and your partner. Asking your partner for support actually starts with you. Clarify for yourself what you are seeking before talking with your partner. Your partner will know what you want and can address particular tasks or behaviors. You will know that you have been heard when you see things being done or said that you requested.
2. Ask.
Once again, I am stating the obvious. You may be baffled that your partner does not see the things that are glaring at you. Yet, you cannot expect your partner to read your mind.
3. Adjust the delivery of your message
It is not just what you say but how you say it. You will want to address your partner and the situation from a place of peace and respect. If you start the conversation when you are ready to explode, you are setting yourselves up for failure. Your partner will most likely respond in anger, defensiveness or will shut down completely. They may end up matching your voice volume and intense energy.
Showing up from a vulnerable place and expressing your needs will probably yield a more open response from your partner.
4. Ask your partner to take complete ownership.
It would be best if you had some things totally off your plate, start to finish, and beginning to end. You might ask your partner to take total leadership with something, like logging your financial choices into the family budget.
If your partner chooses to create a spreadsheet or download an app for this bookkeeping, it is up to them. Let them do it their way. They are responsible for all of the details.
5. Acknowledge your partner’s efforts.
Let your partner know that you see the effort they are making. Each of us wants to feel appreciated and seen. If your partner feels encouraged, they are more likely to continue supporting you.
6. Maintain open communication with regular check-ins.
Home and family life flux; to ensure that you address the changes and new challenges as they arrive, check in regularly with your partner. This way, you will both consistently be aware of what the other person needs.
One couple has what they call “couch time.” The first 30 minutes after both of them arrive home at the end of the workday are sacred. On the couch, they share the “daily-ness” of life. Each member of the couple knows this is the time also to discuss heavier issues in their lives.
Your main goal is to preserve the contentment in your relationship. You also want to make progress and find workable solutions. Asking for support is one way to get there.
How about a way to make “the talk” fun? Check out The Fair Play Deck by Eve Rodsky. You and your partner can invest an hour and come out with a workable, enjoyable way to re-balance your tasks at home and develop your own interests.