What's love got to do with it: How to show your partner they matter

You feel pulled in a million different directions—New Baby---Work---Home--Your other children.  You feel drained.  You fall on the couch at the end of the night and wonder if you have ever been more tired in your life.  Your partner joins you.  Your relationship glues and holds together this busy circus of a family. You wish you had an ounce of energy left to show them how much you love and appreciate them.  

In between middle-of-the-night feedings and at-home learning with your other child, you may think you don’t have anything else to give. 

Yet, expressing that you wouldn’t want to be sitting drained and exhausted on your sectional with anyone else is doable.

Go for the easy and simple things with a big relational impact.

Show You Love Them with Thoughtfulness

You know that moment at the end of the work/school day when everyone walks through the door and sees each other.  Acknowledge your partner’s presence with a sign of affection, a touch, a kiss.  Look them in the eye.  Ask about their day and stop long enough to listen to the response.  

If you both are working from home, set a ritual to close laptops and put away phones at a certain time each day.  Then greet each other like you haven’t seen one another all day!

Step into their world.  Join your partner in a cause that lights them up.  When you have a moment, Google their passion so you can talk about it with them.  Surprise your partner by doing a task you know they hate or never seem to get around to, like cleaning out their car.  

Nothing says, “I love you!” like your favorite snacks and clean underwear.  If you know your partner has a thing for sweet hot beef jerky, stock the pantry with it.  If you are the one who does laundry in your home, your partner will appreciate it when clothes are clean, folded, and tucked away.  The next time they go looking for gym socks, they will be right there saying, ‘Hey, you’re special!” 

Does your partner like to have their head scratched or neck rubbed? In passing by them, please spend a few moments indulging them with your magic fingers.  It doesn’t need to be extensive. Your act of stopping and noticing them with your full focus communicates love.  

In general, pay attention to your partner’s needs.  Pick one of them and respond to it on a regular basis.  

R-E-S-P-E-C-T!

Giving your partner respect doesn’t take any more time, but it will say volumes to them about how you honor them.  

You know when you are hanging out with other couples and the moment comes up when you could join the “trash your partner” conversation? But, instead, choose not to say anything.  Save the discussion of their “flaws” for the two of you rather.  

Your partner starts talking to you.  Perhaps they are sharing about their passion which interests you very little.  Slow your scroll; give your partner your full attention (you can get back to that funny TikTok later!).  Deep listening conveys respect.  

Believe in your partner by supporting their dreams.  Allow them to find their way to a new vision without any usual criticism.  Save your doubts about their capabilities or comments regarding their less than stellar track record.  

Be willing to talk about your partner’s intimate feelings with them.  It might make you feel uncomfortable, but try to remain present as your partner talks.  For your partner, feeling heard is priceless.

Have some fun!

I know it may seem cliché and overrated but set a regular date night.  Do what works for your couple, once a week, once a month, etc.  Putting it on your calendar won’t make it any less fun or romantic.  But it will make it more likely to happen.

Date nights benefit you both on many levels.  The anticipation of having something fun to do brightens up the ordinariness of most days.  Your date nights will hopefully give you uninterrupted time to be alone together. You can freely talk about things that little ears don’t need to hear.

Institute a regular “parents only” happy hour!  Work together to feed your kids and get them into bed earlier than usual.  Then crack open a bottle of wine and fix up a quick charcuterie board.  Enjoy a few moments alone together. 

Do you remember how the child inside you loves surprises and gifts?  Order something on Amazon that your partner has been eyeing.  Stick the box somewhere. They will have a kick out of finding it.  SURPRISE!

Remember to flirt.  Create some sparks and spice. Who knows what will happen next?

Let your partner love you, too!

In the same way that you want to show affection, your partner wants to show you, love, too.  You may be so used to giving rather than receiving that receiving is not your strength.

This doesn’t mean that your partner will “know” what to do or what to say.  You may need to communicate your needs to them, and that’s okay.  

Ask your partner to take the kids to the park on a Saturday morning.  You can revel in the quiet in your home and have a second cup of coffee.  “Indulge” in your favorite Netflix show or jump back in your bed.  Hop into your car, head to your favorite big box store, and spend some time strolling the aisles….alone.  Imagine that!

What other easy and simple ways have you found to communicate love to your partner?  How do you show your partner they matter during your hectic life?